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New environment tests long-distance love
(China Daily by Raymond Zhou)
Updated: 2004-02-28 00:45
Chen Jian and Li Jing were straight-A students in Beijing-based universities.
In the early 1990s, they got to know each other and fell in love. After
graduation, they decided to continue their post-graduate studies in the United
States. Li Jing got the chance first when a scholarship took her to a university
in the southern state of Louisiana. To make their relationship permanent, they
tied the knot before she set off.
One year later, Chen Jian joined her, also on a student visa. However, their
life in the United States was not an extended honeymoon. The 12-month separation
seemed to have poisoned their five-year love affair.
Chen complained that Li had developed a new tendency to "show off,'' thus
indirectly encouraging suitors who had been buzzing around her before he
arrived. On her part, Li was not happy that her husband was not quick at picking
up the English language and had shown resistance to adapting to the new
environment.
The once ultra-compatible couple entered a period of "cold war,'' which
turned uglier every month. A year later, they went their separate ways.
Man: the weaker sex?
This is the kind of break-up story that is heard throughout Chinese student
communities overseas. Young couples who have bonded with years of mutual
affection and co-habitation suddenly find themselves in an environment that
seems to make them strangers again.
Relationships get tested by a new set of rules once you come to a new
country, says Tang Mei, who studied with Chen and Li and whose own cross-Pacific
romance suffered abrupt "power deficiency.''
Tang and many other US-based Chinese students believe that to have the wife
or girl friend set foot in America first is the most lethal relationship-killer.
The reasons are many: The foremost is temptation as male students from China
usually outnumber female students on many campuses, sometimes by many times. A
woman who is even temporarily single may be pursued simultaneously and
relentlessly by several guys.
The deep-rooted cause, however, is the reversal of roles. Most women tend to
date or marry men who are one rung higher on the talent ladder. Once in America,
women usually learn the language faster and show more resilience towards
adaptation. Men, with their latent sense of supremacy, do not take it well with
the reality that they may now not do as well as their spouses in either career
or simply getting things done, explain observers like Tang.
The men tend to lament that their talent is being overlooked in the
superficial society that emphasizes only presentation skills and employable
knowledge. Those who major in mathematics, physics or other "purer'' sciences
come under enormous pressure to "convert'' to popular fields such as computer
science. And their erstwhile strength in abstract thinking may be seen as a
handicap in learning the ropes of everyday tasks.
Some men blame women for the break-up, attributing it to their "vanity'' for
eyeing richer, more successful men -- those with better jobs, bigger houses or
posher cars.
But it's not fair to blame them, say experts, because the failure often
results from miscommunication at a psychologically-vulnerable time on both
sides.
"Women in these situations may blame their spouses for obstinacy whereas they
should reach out and offer gentle help. Men should make an effort to adapt
rather than recoil into the cocoon of self-defence when faced with a different
value system,'' suggests Dr Zhuo Yiding, a psychiatrist in Texas.
Urge to merge
Male students who arrive in the foreign land first usually make it a top
priority to take their spouses along. If they are married, it's not difficult
for the wife to obtain a visa. If they are not, the guy may rush back home to
complete the legal procedures for marriage.
These couples are easy to spot on outbound airplanes. Although usually in
their 20s, they exhibit expressions reminiscent of puppy love: blissful in a sea
of weary travellers. One pair even carried board a large framed wedding photo on
a recent US-bound plane.
They are the lucky ones. Single men studying abroad are among the loneliest
souls. They tend to have heavy workloads and very limited social circles. "Yes,
we pine for the blondes working around us, but we can only sigh hopelessly,''
says an online posting at a North American Chinese students forum, citing lack
of guts or financial means as the major reason for not expanding the target of
courting to the vaster pool of non-Chinese.
Many of them write essays or poems giving vent to their solitude on lonely
nights and even-lonelier weekends. Most would prefer to drown it out, not with
liquor, but with more work.
Coming to their rescue is new technology, which has made international
long-distance calls much more affordable than a decade ago and Internet
communication virtually free. Most students spend hours online everyday,
toggling between work and chatting with remote friends. This has made the long
nights a little more bearable and helped preserve many relationships.
"A period of two years of separation can be a yardstick,'' says Xie Zhong,
leader of a student group in Houston. "Married couples may endure it better, but
unmarried ones have a higher break-up rate getting beyond two years without
reunion.''
Xie also reveals to China Daily that, while divorce rate among overseas
students may be higher than similar demographics in China, the new environment
may be a boon to the stability of many a relationship.
For the same reason that single men in this group find it hard to get dates,
married men also have less chance to have extramarital affairs. Life for most
student couples tends to develop into such a routine that the slightest anamoly
may easily be detected.
This is also the reason why women tend to discourage their spouses from
moving back to China because the temptation for "straying'' is too strong.
Free pass for youth
For the new flock of teenage students who mostly go to overseas language
schools, dating and mating have become a whole new ballgame. Gender distribution
is more balanced; sexual inhibitions are few; and an environment free from
parents' nagging and teachers' preaching has proved a virtual paradise for "love
at will.''
Reports from Australia and New Zealand, where most of these youngsters go,
have been startling: the rate of cohabitation is extremely high and unplanned
pregnancies are not uncommon. After squandering their parents' hard-earned
earnings, some of them go back to China, not with a diploma, but with a new-born
baby.
The teenagers defend themselves by saying that living together has given them
a taste of real life, even though few of them are prepared to walk down the
aisle soon. They can compare notes in class and care for each other afterwards,
enriching an otherwise lonely and monotonous life. Some even claim that
co-habitation is the only valuable experience they have got since learning
English in a school where 95 per cent of students are Chinese is self-defeating.
Their elder brothers and sisters, let alone their parents' generation, take
dating and sex more seriously. Co-habitation does exist among the older
generations of students, but most are born out of solid relationships that lead
to marriages. Even those who seek it for "recreational'' purposes or for
"dispelling loneliness'' do not seem to be proud of it.
Wu Ping, a PhD student in the Washington DC area, lived with another woman
before his wife was able to join him. Even though their marriage lasted two more
years, he attributed the eventual split to that out-of-loneliness case of
unfaithfulness.
Not all Chinese teenagers overseas have embraced the "free atmosphere.'' A
19-year-old student at New Zealand's University of Otago writes: "Many of my
classmates are co-habiting, but few are happy. Whether you're a man or woman,
you should take responsibility when you get into an arrangement like
this.''
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