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Marriage bells toll in cyber churches
By Raymound Zhou (China Daily)
Updated: 2004-03-19 23:46
An online game of role-playing is giving a taste of conjugal bliss to
hundreds of thousands, but a headache to experts who see it as chipping away at
the foundation of the sacred state of matrimony.
Cartoon by China
Daily |
When Xiao Sun mentioned on the phone that he had been married three times,
his dad, who happened to overhear the conversation, almost had a heart attack.
Not only had the elder Sun never heard of the marriages, he had not caught a
glimpse of any of his three daughters-in-law. As a matter of fact, his son did
not know what his wives looked like either.
Xiao Sun is only a 12-year-old school student and all his marriages happened
online -- virtual simulations.
However, people like his father are not amused and are calling for action or
scrambling for elucidation.
Online marriage, or wanghun in Chinese, is a new phenomenon. It is an
offshoot of the bourgeoning online community, where activities usually centre
around the same hobbies. People who love classic literature have their own
forums, and online games are the biggest profit makers for web companies in
China. And now, as a logical extension of online dating, wedding bells are
ringing in cyber chapels.
News Weekly, a Beijing-based weekly publication, puts the estimated number of
the online married at 100,000, which is a small fraction of the 80 million
netizens in China, let alone the number of really married population. But those
enjoying virtual marital status are mushrooming, given the signs of increasing
popularity of websites that provide the service.
Just having fun
A young couple enjoy themselves in the
cyberworld at an Internet cafe in Zhengzhou, capital of Central China's
Henan Province. As a growing number of people are tying the knot in
virtual marriage, experts warn that real marriage may be hurt by such a
controversial online game. [newsphoto/file] | For
a while, the term wanghun had its ambiguities. It could refer to wedding
ceremonies that take place online, but the marriage is real and involves
physical contact. This is in the spirit of wanglian, or online love or online
dating, in that people use the Internet more or less like the telephone, as a
convenience to compensate for physical absence. But nowadays, wanghun
predominantly alludes to virtual marriage of two people who do not meet each
other physically during the whole duration of the union.
There are sporadic reports of online marriage leading to -- no, not real
matrimony, but to real breakup of the existing, real marriage. A couple in
Zhuhai were about to walk down the aisle when the woman learned of her fiance's
online marriages. "I don't want to share my husband with other women," said the
runaway bride.
Cheng Peng, a young man in Nanjing, capital of East China's Jiangsu Province,
was so perplexed when he found out his wife had another hubby online that he
turned to the local women's protection group for counselling: "Is this an
extra-marital affair or what? Is there a law that prohibits it?"
Most legal experts agree that online marriage does not constitute real
marriage because the real McCoy requires formal registration or factual
marriage, which means living together. Wanghun does not fit either of the
descriptions yet violates the most sacred of age-old Chinese notions: "marriage
is serious."
The whole idea of online marriage is based on the premise that marriage is a
game. Just like you may kill hundreds of your enemies in one session in most
video or computer games, or buy, sell and profit in Monopoly, you can try out
the bliss and agony of married life, such as buying roses and changing diapers,
strictly as a game. The only real cost is for phone charges, online access and
fees for playing the game.
There is a catch, though. Your online spouse is not made up of bits and
bytes. There is a real human being out there, even though the age, height,
physical attributes, or even gender, may be faked. He or she has real emotions.
The young and single
Research shows that most players of the game are aged 13 to 30, with students
as the majority -- young people in the "dating period," says Zhou Xiaozheng,
professor at Renmin University of China.
It can be a learning experience, a few commentators say, for those who have
not entered the fortress of matrimony. They can get a feeling of being a wife,
husband or parent, and pave the way for the future when household chores can no
longer be brushed aside with virtual payment.
"For a single person, online marriage has more benefits than harms," says He
Cong, author of a digital book. "The perfect arrangement is to have as much
experience as possible before the real marriage, and be loyal to your spouse
afterwards. Online marriage provides a safe and ideal training for that."
Defenders like He Cong seem to be among the minority in China. Most experts,
as quoted by the press, are strongly against it. It is psychologically
detrimental to kids because it is a form of sexual stimulation, contends Wang
Yuexi, a doctor at a Xi'an-based family planning centre. She is referring to
explicit language often used among wanghun couples.
Doctor Wang advises parents to keep a close eye on their kids' online
activities but that is proving difficult for many parents, whose computer skills
lag far behind that of their children. They sometimes ask the local government
for the shutdown of all Internet cafes or at least ban their children from
visiting them.
Parents should not overreact, suggests a media commentator. This game is not
much different from the traditional homemaker game, only more life-like. Parents
should talk to their kids patiently and prevent them from overindulging in the
game. Most important, they should keep their kids from harm's way like that
posed by paedophiles or others with bad intentions.
The married and restless
Many people believe that it is okay for a single person to play the online
marriage game, as long as it does not get out of control, but morally
unacceptable for someone who is already married.
It may be a good business idea for a website, but one should not downplay the
damage it may cause to the family and to society at large, comments Qin Jianfa,
a lawyer at Jilin-based Zhengwen Law Firm. Online marriage has encroached on
social ethics and even violates the law. Article four of the marriage law
stipulates that a married couple should be loyal to each other and respect each
other. If you talk about your private life with your online spouse and lead a
"married" life, you have betrayed the spirit of the marriage law, Qin says.
"One who engages in extramarital sex is obviously at fault, and the one in
online marriage is likewise to blame", says Li Yanqiu, a teacher at Jilin
University's law department. "Even if the current law does not recognize online
marriage as real marriage, its impact on life is very real."
Agreeing that there is a "blind spot" in the current legal system, scholars
like Li are arguing for the toughening of the law. "Mental affair is cheating,"
underscores Luo Sirong, professor at Hangzhou Normal Institute's law school, who
interprets online marriage as a culprit that disrupts legitimate relationships.
Judges in local courts in Changsha, capital of Central China's Hunan
Province, have expressed that online marriage is a "cold-blooded killer" of
marriage and family.
Statistics about online marriage-caused divorces are not available but a poll
at Ninth City, a community website with online marriage service shows that 60
per cent of the game players are interested in removing the virtual veil of
their online spouses and have a face-to-face meeting.
That is what some people call the danger zone. They believe that online
marriage is innocuous as long as it is kept in cyberspace. But once you have the
yen to bring it into the realm of reality, you will risk jeopardizing your
above-board marriage. They cite a survey from Xinzhoukan, a lifestyle magazine,
which suggest that one-third of one-night-stands are initiated online.
Others say this is no cause for alarm. The danger of making it real is quite
small because people have such unrealistic expectations of their online dates or
spouses that, if and when they come face to face, , they most probably get a
death blow of disappointment. "Romantic scenarios like in Sleepless in Seattle
are not likely to come true in real life," says Dapiqiu, a Quanzhou-based forum
organizer, who uses a term from martial arts fiction, "jian guang si," which
means "perish upon seeing light," to describe the fateful meeting.
Dapiqiu addes that 98 per cent of online relationships lead nowhere. "I've
known fewer than 10 cases of virtual romance blossoming and bearing genuine
fruit."
Fantasy world
Online marriage is platonic love with a tint of sexual fantasy; it is an
adjustment to one's emotional life in reality, says Zhou Qingping, a teacher of
network sociology at Huazhong Technology University. It can supplement your real
life if it is used wisely.
There is nothing wrong with emotional articulation in cyberspace. Real-life
spouses do not need to be over-sensitive, reasons Pang Shaotang, sociologist at
Nanjing University. But children should take precaution lest they be harmed in
the process.
Dating and marriage is a tiresome process in real life, but online it can be
easy and pure. In a society where secret second wives, called "ernai" in
Chinese, are not uncommon, online marriage can be a substitute and therefore
healthy for a relationship, respond several amorous netizens.
They continue to explain that the whole thing is just fantasy. Nowadays,
everyone is under enormous pressure in real life -- to find a job, to get a
promotion, to refrain from upsetting your boss or your spouse. Only in the
make-believe world can we pursue the kind of things unreachable or even
unfathomable.
And that includes the harem fantasy. "I think the so-called mental cheating
is no big deal. When I see a beautiful lady, I fancy her to be my wife. It's
just castles in the sky. And men fantasize about having many beautiful women as
their wives," rationalizes Liu Jun, an artist.
Judging from inquiry results, women also have the Madonna mentality of
multiple male lovers serving her at the same time. Li Man, a graphic designer,
has six online husbands. "I give one day to each of them and leave Sunday to
myself," she clarifies. "They all have different occupations and different
personalities, which complement one another. And for me, I tend to present a
different facet of myself to each of them."
Liu Mingqiao, a 30-year-old civil service worker, is very blunt in
deciphering the phenomenon: "Wang hun is actually yiyin, or psychosomatic
lasciviousness. A man's desire is boundless. When you cannot fulfil your
extra-marital whims, you can only keep on dreaming. With new technology, your
private thoughts can now be writ large across the sky and the secrecy of timid
drooling has given way to a pantheon of orgies."
People have many hidden desires and the Internet helps fulfil some of them,
says Gu Xiaoming, a professor at Fudan University. Online marriage is an adult
game, which reflects the same contradiction as in real life that one wants to
monopolize the other party's affection and does not want to reciprocate by
limiting his or her own choice.
A survey at 21CN, a portal site, reveals that, of 900 respondents, 93 per
cent are keen on online romance, 61.2 per cent have had friends who claim to be
of the opposite sex and 35 per cent have had online lovers.
Online marriage is a game, and that is why children love it. Since it has
incorporated elements of play acting of an adult theme, grown-ups are also drawn
to it. In the final analysis, it may be about communication. People who find it
hard to express their feelings, especially amorous ones, can breathe the free
air of cyberspace and receive the kind of attention they do not normally get in
real life.
Xiao Sun, the 12-year-old Xi'an kid, has few words and fewer friends. "There
is no way I can bring myself to talk to a girl in school," he says. But online
his frustrations are safely given vent and his joy and sorrow are shared by
people who seem to truly care about him. "I used to keep everything to myself,
but now I have someone, presumably an elder-sister type, who listens to me and
encourages me."
When asked why he does not take these problems to his parents, Xiao Sun
answers: "They always talk down to me, but I want communication of equals. My
folks always tell me I should do this and not that. If I tell them what's really
on my mind, I'll get another lecturing."
Now, that would give his parents pause for thought.
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