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Entertainment 2004 - What might have been
(Agencies)
Updated: 2004-12-31 10:33
Just think: Instead of exposing Janet Jackson's breast at the Super Bowl last
Feb. 1, what if Justin Timberlake reached across her chest, fumbled with
Jackson's top and .... The stitching holds! There is no malfunction!
Janet Jackson (L)
reacts after fellow singer Justin Timberlake ripped off one of her chest
plates at the end of their half time performance at Super Bowl XXXVIII in
Houston, February 1, 2004. [AP] | That means no
national discussion of showbiz morals, no drastic tightening of FCC restrictions
— but the fallout is just as serious.
Cameron Diaz, mortified by her boyfriend's failed attempt to reach second
base, breaks up with Timberlake before the Super Bowl is even over.
She immediately sends word to New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady that
she's available.
The flustered Brady is a wreck in the second half, and the Carolina Panthers
cruise to a surprise victory.
A few days later, as the late night jokes skewer Timberlake, Britney Spears
(fresh off her annulled marriage to a no-name childhood friend) grows
sympathetic toward her big-name former sweetheart, and they elope.
At the impromptu reception, Spears sees Timberlake's ex-backup dancer Kevin
Federline outduel him in a dance-off.
Annulment No. 2 follows — but Spears is too jaded to tie the knot with
Federline. They live in sin instead.
Indirectly affected by "the butterfly effect" (which is NOT a scientific
theory regarding the questionable stature of Ashton Kutcher movies), Gwyneth
Paltrow's baby girl is named "Arugula."
Without the Super Bowl controversy, Disney sees no risk in distributing
Michael Moore's "Fahrenheit 9/11." The box-office hit saves the job of
beleaguered Disney chief Michael Eisner.
However, an out-of-date memo stating Eisner will be fired ends up at CBS
News, which erroneously reports that the CEO is being ousted.
Though a considerable embarrassment, the experience forces CBS and Dan Rather
to tighten up their fact-checking. The President Bush/National Guard story never
makes it on air. Rather's job is secure for the next 10 years.
Meanwhile, Mel Gibson decides not to subtitle the Aramaic dialogue in "The
Passion of the Christ," and moviegoers stay away. Instead, pundits focus their
attention on the arguably anti-Semitic qualities of Al Pacino's "Merchant of
Venice."
At one point, Jon Stewart surprises Pacino on Letterman, tells him "I think
what you're doing is wrong" and makes an unprintable reference to the male
anatomy.
New York Times columnist Frank Rich still wages his Gibson crusade, and the
actor still says he wants to kill Rich's dog.
Though Rich has no dog, his neighbor's cocker spaniel mysteriously winds up
dead — with a very "Braveheart"-esque spear as the murder weapon.
To shore up his image, Gibson signs on to produce his own ABC drama,
"Fundamentalist Housewives." But a Monday Night Football lead-in showing Monica
Belluci shedding her ankle-length dress and jumping into the arms of Eagles
receiver Terrell Owens elicits nationwide condemnation. Red State viewers flee
NFL broadcasts in droves.
Seeking to boost ratings, the NFL picks Lindsay Lohan to perform at halftime
of the 2005 Super Bowl. The show (featuring her much-debated, um, maturing
physique) is wildly over the top. An onlooking Usher can only exclaim, "Yeah!"
Welcome to 2005. Even fake history is doomed to repeat
itself.
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 | | | China issues first Diaoyu Islands post card | | |  | | | 2,008 students support panda as Olympics mascot | | |  | | | Halle Berry voted the Hollywood best-looking | | |
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